I haven’t written in a minute, not because I don’t want to, but I haven’t had the mental and a lot of the time, physical energy to do so. My brain is processing a million things at once (thanks, anxiety and depression!) so I have a hard time getting my thoughts down in a somewhat organized manner.
The past couple of weeks have had their highs, which is when I’m high. But once it’s over, I am fully depleted and I get reeeeally low. I have had several slip ups and days where I just ignore everyone, lay in my bed and cry. I’m about five months into my break up now and have finally decided to remove mutual friends who clearly do not reach out to me at all now that we have been broken up. I am tired of seeing his photos or being slightly curious as to what he is doing; I don’t want to be about that. I want him out of my mind as much as possible.
I have been stressed with finding a new job and now my current one has allowed a company to rent out our building for almost an entire month. That’s great if you’re on salary, but I’m not. I also JUST booked/confirmed my trip to Hawaii, so now I’m stressed about having money there. I don’t even know how I’ll afford a flight/hotel to Vegas at the en d of May for Punk Rock Bowling. I just don’t want to be stuck here, and to travel and keep my brain busy and trying to do things that I should try to enjoy as a single person.
When it rains, it pours. Lately, me and my roommates have been having major issues with our place and the landlord. We recently discovered that our electric bill has been absurdly high because we have been paying for a neighboring tenant’s bill as well (something with the wiring when they refurbished the building, I think). Unless the landlord decides to answer our fucking calls and get this sorted, we will have to wait 120 days for conEd to reimburse us 75% of what we have paid since my roommates have been here (which was last summer) and just continue to pay the ridiculous high prices until then. WHAT IN THE SHIT. Our lease is up at the end of May and no one but me and one other roommate want to resign unless the problem is resolved swiftly. ON TOP OF THAT, we have had a fucking rat issue. I can hear them in the space in my ceiling screaming, crawling frantically, all through the night. While someone came out about a month ago to block off a hole they had created behind the fridge, we discovered one behind the stove. It’s fucking drywall; they can find a way. We have tried making phone call after phone call to get someone to get rat poison out here but it’s been at least a week now and no one has gotten back to us.
I’m just kinda fucking over it. It could be the winter, the unsuccessful job luck, the rats, the loneliness that can only be somewhat temporarily remedied by going out and drinking to kill my social anxiety and feeling numb, yet disappointed by anyone who approaches me. The idea of returning to Austin has become so appealing lately, but there’s a tiny part of me that wants to wade through this clusterfuck storm.
I went to a punk rock show a little over a week ago. There was this really cute guy there that kept looking at me and eventually he got close enough to me and started talking to me. He was witty and funny and it was the first time in a long time where I felt like things naturally clicked. He grabbed my hand and led me to the bar and bought all of my drinks for the night while we rocked out and eventually, we made out. A wave of shame washed over him shortly after, and he admitted he had a girlfriend. I made that really awkward Jim Halpert face and peaced the fuck out. He told me he was sorry if he wasted my time and that I was really cool. GLAD YOU GOT IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM, DUDE. Oh, and he had the nerve to text me at 2am that night to see what I was doing. Gross. No.
Needless to say, I HATE DATING. Things have changed so much since six years ago when I met my ex. Now everyone has Tinder or something. Everything is at utmost convenience; nothing is natural. Nothing. is. real.
I have been limiting myself to drinking to one, maybe two times a week (depending on if I’m going to a show). I’m taking my roommates to a show they want to see tonight, and I’ll be flying solo to a metal show tomorrow. Getting my tattoo worked on next Monday FINALLY, and then after that, I’ll be a recluse trying to store away every penny I make until the end of April. I fell off my workouts/clean eating because relapsing/unhappiness, but I have collected myself as of Sunday and now that my flight is confirmed for a tropical vacation, I feel more determined to stop wasting money and to live at the gym.
I have been so lost and unmotivated. The only thing I know to put energy in is to NOT resort to my eating disorder and to work out consistently and mindfully grocery shop. I feel like I can’t focus on anything else, like my mind just doesn’t have the energy to handle anything else. I just want to be alone because I feel like every time I go out with others, I feel guilted into eating with them or drinking more than I probably would if I went out alone. That guilt manifests itself into a full on relapse and I just say fuck it and then I’m miserable for days. I’m so tired of it. I wish everyone could be so understanding, but I can’t help but think that they believe I’m pushing them away. I just want to find myself, and I think it needs to be in solitude. I became dependent on others trying to make me happy because I exhausted my own energy to make THEM happy. I thought it was supposed to be reciprocated by the ones you love. I’m wrong about that, and it needs to come from me and for me. Saying no is very hard for me, though. Sigh. I don’t even want to go to this show tonight but my roommate keeps pressuring me so she won’t have to go alone. Ugh.
I’m trying to keep it together the only way I currently know how, which is through exercise and a food journal. Everything else feels like chaos. I’ll be 29 soon and I feel that I am just wasting space. Meh.
Unsure about everything,