The pains of having an addictive personality

On top of a lingering cough, I haven’t had much luck in figuring out more with feeling “myself” or gaining a sense of purpose.

I spent Thursday having happy hour drinks with one of my best friends and as always, had a great time and felt comfortable with my decision to stay in New York (for now, at least). I headed back to the neighborhood and decided to meet a friend at the local watering hole. I arrived first, so I sat alone at the bar and nursed a vodka soda. After basically swearing off the idea of dating for a while, I of course met and conversed with an intriguing human being who was easy on the eyes. While not being covered in tattoos or surrounded by band gear, I was able to have a conversation that didn’t feel forced or awkward nor provoked any sexual tension. He was very polite and well read and could talk comics with me for hours, which is pretty much what happened. I found myself in a very excitable mood and as if this was one of those “it’ll happen when you least expect it” moments. I headed home and we hugged goodbye with a number exchange and plans for the upcoming week.

I had a very mellow day at work on Friday and was fortunate enough to enjoy another beautiful day in New York. I walked around Bryant Park, through a lot of midtown and was sent on one of my only runs towards the Upper West Side. It was right after sunset and I got to see everyone dolled up and on their way to the ballet. Something about it was so pleasing to me; I’m not exactly sure what. Maybe it was because it was like watching a film about the “good life” in New York and what I always aspired to have for myself. Everyone was smiling and engaged in conversation as they locked arms with their company and dressed to impress. Instead of it being part of a film, it was real, and realistically attainable (not easily, obvs). I don’t know. I’m weird.

I really only wanted to have one or two drinks in the neighborhood once I made it back after work, but new guy asked if I was out so I proceeded to meet him at the same place and we were there until the bar closed. Again, same kind of conversation, I didn’t feel uncomfortable by any means and genuinely had a great time talking to someone. He walked me home and didn’t make any moves and I’m honestly very glad he didn’t. While I am intrigued and flattered someone who appears to have a pretty put together personality that is compatible with mine, I felt an irk inside that told me I’m still not ready to jump into anything, as harmless as it might seem. He doesn’t seem put off by my lack of physical touch, so I’m hoping we can still hang out.

My roommate was awake with his friends when I got home and we took shots until about 6am, so of course I woke up slightly drunk and managed to make myself breakfast before passing out again. Eventually got up, went to the gym and walked around enjoying another beautiful day before the short lived storm decided to grace Brooklyn with its presence. My plans had fallen through for the evening, so once the rain stopped, I decided to venture out alone.

My long walk around Williamsburg, scouting a new place to go, made me realize I definitely haven’t met anyone to change my mind about my stance on dating. I enjoyed my freedom of getting to leave my apartment on my own time and not worrying about picking a place with someone else’s preferences in mind. I ended up at Rocka Rolla, a place I always failed to make it to. It was stupid packed but the constant tunes of Motorhead, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden and other favorites on top of $6 drinks had me sticking around. I keep forgetting why I don’t go out on the weekend (and I’m usually working anyway), but there was a fairly good mix of rock n roll folk on top of the bro’burg crowd looking for cheap drinks and girls. The bartender bought me a drink and was really good about making sure I always had one. I’ll definitely be back, but probably not on a Saturday. I walked back home, not drunk but just buzzed enough. Went to bed pretty early after lulling myself to sleep with a food order and Futurama.

Today, the depressant part of the alcohol had come back. I wasn’t very productive and I’ve constantly felt lost as fuck, but I don’t think I ever don’t feel that way. It hits especially hard after weekends like this. I have noticed that when I am engaged with other people, I definitely get a little ‘trigger happy’ with my drinks and will just start suckin’ em down. I get so anxious. My Saturday night completely solo at the bar, surrounded by people but not engaged, was completely opposite. I took my time with my drinks; I knew when I had reached my limit before getting uncomfortably drunk and I left at my leisure without feeling bad. While it is always nice catching up with friends and company, I need to get better about moderating myself and being okay with telling others no.

I felt myself forced to get ready and go to see a show with a friend of mine, but I feel sick, drained and honestly just not in the mood to be around anyone. Fortunately unfortunate, my friend was unable to put anyone on the list for this evening so I’m hoping I can go tomorrow when I think I’ll be in a better mood and with alcohol completely out of my system.

Being an addict is draining; I’m a very all or nothing person. I will go all out one evening but keep myself inside the next day. I want so badly to learn balance. I want to stop at a few drinks but I also want to be out with my friends. I want to be productive but also allow myself a good time. I feel like I’m still not capable of doing that, at least not as much as I’d like. I also want to save money for better experiences (ie traveling). I’m hoping that this week, I can restrict myself to just one or two nights out and to be able to moderate them with more ease.

This week will be pretty stacked– doing some ticketing training tomorrow at work then hopefully seeing Run The Jewels, company party on Tuesday, seeing David Duchovny with his band on Wednesday, seeing Power Trip and Iron Reagan on Thursday and working on Saturday. The issue with having an addictive personality is that I yearn to belong in social settings but I hate myself the day after for one reason or another. When I was sober for 100 days and going out, I felt like a “bummer” to my friends, my s/o and to myself. I felt out of place, so I became a complete homebody. While being a homebody is okay, I get very lonely very easily so I used my eating disorder to fill the void where drinking and being out with friends would be. I don’t want that to be the case this time around as I cut back.

Okay, now I’m just rambling. If you want the TL;DR version: not trying to date (sex life, I miss you already), trying to make more meaningful connections, overcome an addictive personality, not get plastered but wanna get buzzed so I can stop punishing myself. Also, I don’t want to be lost anymore. Why can’t I stop feeling this way?

-Emz

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