It’s been a minute since I’ve written, but only because all I was able to do this past week was work, throw back drinks and sleep for a few hours.
Dita week is over and thank fucking god. It was filled with highs and lows and lots of awkward bits inbetween. I didn’t get any sleep before the first show, which was on Valentine’s Day. The tour manager was a newer addition to the classic Dita crew and she definitely utilized my presence. I basically ran on 40+ hours of no sleep until the first show and meet and greet and been completed.
Working with psycho rebound guy wasn’t all that terrible. Although we work in the same department, it was fairly easy to avoid interacting with him and I dressed up every night of the run so I felt fairly confident about myself and tried to not allow anything to bother me. Post first show, I was meeting a friend who was in town as well as the crew folk at a bar near work. I ended up at the bar alone in this suuuuper pretty crushed red velvet dress as I waited for everyone to arrive. A guy next to me started making small talk and it seemed harmless at first, but as soon as I asked him what kind of music he listened to, things went downhill from there. His response to my question was “Apple music.” Wait, what? You don’t even have a favorite genre? You like listening to basic. fucking. radio? WHAT THE FUCK. After that, any questions I would continue to ask out of boredom and still waiting on a familiar face to show up just ended up with me wincing, getting anxious and staring at the door.
My friend comes in, pretty wasted and gets a little sassy and starts entertaining our mildly creepy new acquaintance. THEN, a drunk patron decides to come up, touch my arm and comment on my tattoo. THAT IS NOT OKAY. My friend immediately grabbed his arm and told him to get the fuck back, to apologize and to buy us drinks. The guy totally did. My friend was now entertaining that guy and I was stuck with this creepy dude with no personality and just feeling utterly defeated after the longest day of my life. Fortunately, I was gifted with a notification that the crew had decided to go to a different bar, so I sucked down my vodka soda and bailed. I was polite enough and said goodbye to creepster dude, not knowing that he was following me and my friend to our next spot.
Immediately upon arrival, I felt relieved and saw everyone with beers and worn out faces after a hard day’s work. Me and my friend sat next to some of the production boys and as I was loudly telling them about my ridiculous interactions at the other bar, my friend tells me that creepster is sitting about three seats down. I DID NOT INVITE HIM. WHY IS HE HERE. WHY.
One of my coworkers tried to hold my hand and pretend like we were an item in hopes of repelling this guy, but he actually ended up moving closer to where I was sitting AND even ordered a meal. He eventually left as I made sure to keep my back faced his way, but he lingered enough to make me anxious. Shortly after, I called it quits myself and walked with a coworker to the train and rode with him until I had to transfer to another train. It was about 3 something in the morning, I had been awake for too long, I’m dressed but miserable and this guy decides it’s a great time to catcall me. He looked me up and down and told me “Happy Valentine’s Day, beautiful” and naturally, I just ignored it. He didn’t like it very much and then yelled, “I hope you get hit by the fucking train.” This night–I just can’t.
The next day was better. Late call time, got six hours of sleep, got to go to the gym before running around like a headless chicken and making sure everyone had everything needed. The second show went so smooth and we got out at a reasonable hour. It was one of Dita’s crew member’s birthdays and everyone had enough energy to party, so party we did. However, the birthday boy had developed an intense crush on me very quickly and was getting jealous of my interactions with other males, even though they are co-workers and friends. It was awkward and I also felt bad. Anyway, it was great talking with everyone, lots of shots were had and I barely recollect getting home at 4 in the morning. There were other things that happened that I’m not really allowed to discuss (don’t worry, no sex or drugs or violence) but it set the tone for the next day and it was not a positive one.
Trudging into work for the third Dita day, I felt physically and emotionally comparable to a dumpster in NYC after New Year’s. I forgot that I can’t do shots the way I used to, and I couldn’t shake my poor choices that occurred the previous evening. I got in a tiff with the TM over something out of my control (a vegetarian restaurant closed down that I was supposed to have gotten a food order from and finding similar items proved to not be an easy task). ANYWAY, everything was sorted, the doors were shortly going to be open and then I could take a breather and get dolled up for another successful show. Icing on the cake to a shitty-ish day was seeing my ex (he’s also good friends with Dita’s crew because he used to work with them as well). With him, I’m an out of sight out of mind kind of girl. If I don’t have to see him or talk to him outside of work at PlayStation Theater, I’m totally fine. It could also have been the combination of being hungover, feeling the depressant portion of the alcohol, it being right after Valentine’s Day, blah blah blah. I don’t know. I just looked at him and automatically felt a surge of frustration, loneliness, abandonment and envy.
I tried to leave as soon as I had finished assisting with the meet and greet, as he was lingering around waiting to go out with their crew and it was making me anxious. I went over to a bar with the production guys from work and of course the shitty rebound guy has to tag along. He didn’t stay long at all, which was relieving, but to cap off a not-so-great day, I had another shitty interaction with a drunk asshat. He came up as I was at the bar with my boys, totally tanked, tried to touch my fucking tattoo (WHAT IS WITH THESE SHITBAG GUYS?) and I quickly moved my arm away. I gave him a disgusted look but that didn’t stop him from having the nerve to ask me, “Wanna come play?” EW. EW EW EW EWWWWWWWWW. What a crappy day and evening.
The next day, number four of five Dita shows and the first weekend show, was chaotic but I tried to stay in better spirits. Everything went smoothly and the cast/crew afterparty was held in the building. Instead of partying (I wouldn’t have been able to drink anyway), I took a cab home with a bunch of towels and washed them in preparation for the final day. It was nice having an excuse to take the night off from destroying my liver and my spirit.
The final day approaches, I’m in a fairly great mood knowing that I had the next day off, yadda yadda yadda. Again, running around nonstop which is fine because time flew by, but the post show meet and greet that was trying to happen during load out wasn’t faring too well because of the large amount of people who had purchased the package. I had forgot my keys at home and my only roommate there was going out, so I was able to leave once there wasn’t much else for me to do but wait.
I get home at a reasonable hour, grab my keys and immediately head to the bar. My buddy was working, playing great tunes and I immediately felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I was told to stop by the bar down the street and say hi to his friend for him, as well as kiss his friend for him. He was being serious and said he would meet me over there for a drink if I did. Well, I kissed the bartender (nothing gross, but he was pleasantly surprised) and I ended up getting a free drink, some laughs and having the men at the bar next to me try and figure out how to get that kind of service where they work. I called it quits when the bar was closing and walked my drunk but content face home.
I woke up early, made breakfast then decided to enjoy what was probably the most gorgeous day in February in my history of living in New York. It was warm enough to wear shorts and my thin leather jacket, so I walked around Brooklyn for about two hours before grabbing much needed groceries and vegan treats. My two lady roommates joined me for a drink before one of them had to go to work. Me and the remaining roomie got to bond and delve into some deep conversation over 2-for-1 cocktails, decided to make a reservation at Sweet Chick because VEGETARIAN CHICKEN AND WAFFLES and were supposed to merely window shop during our wait. She talked me into buying this killer dress that was on sale, but now I have no idea when I’ll be able to wear it because Dita’s shows are done and it’s definitely meant for a more-than-casual date. My best friend from my old neighborhood joined us for fried deliciousness and it was great. Walked off our huge dinners, finally got to see the rooftop of my building and it has probably the best view of the city. I can no longer imagine living anywhere else and leaving such wonderful people behind.
My roommate turned in while me and my lady friend ventured out to the same bar where I had kissed the bartender. He ended up being there and I gave him a hug, thinking we were on the same page about it not being a thing and more of a bet from his friend, but I was wrong. He kept giving me and my friend drinks free of charge and acting like a school boy with a crush on me. Siiiiiiigh.
On top of that, I had attempted to do the no strings thing for a bit which, that part is fine, but I think this person has started to develop some feelings for me. I honestly have no romantic feelings for him and I’ve realized that I DO want those with who I choose to sleep with and have it reciprocated. I have not been with him nor anyone else in almost two months, partially because I am trying to be independent but also figuring out what I think I would want in any future relationship. I miss feeling real things for people and I miss taking the time to get to know someone, but I also want to make sure I’m not revamping my schedule or my lifestyle for someone else like I used to. One day, it’ll just magically click or something, I don’t know.
Looking forward to a slower week and a nice reset. Still working on finding better job opportunities, looking into courses that would be beneficial for my career interest and kind of excited to prepare my meals at home without worry. I think I’ll be attending yoga with my roommate at some point this week and I’m hoping I get addicted because I definitely need a better outlet of relaxation than going to the bar. I’m probably going to attend a matinee film at some point (yes, I’m really deciding between Lego Batman or John Wick 2), doing some light shopping and continuing to gain as much muscle as possible.
Certain people I got to see last week again have made me feel like you really don’t have as many real friends as you think you do. I tried opening up to people I thought I could talk to, but I think it just went in one ear and out the other. No wonder I can’t feel anything for anyone who may actually care about me; I’m too busy exhausting my feelings on people who don’t. I’m hoping that my recognition may turn that around. Here’s to another week of reflection, growth, possibly meeting people who aren’t garbage and getting one step closer to figuring out how to adult.