Greetings, boys and ghouls!
My five day break from alcohol was very necessary and helped me get back on track and slow down the behaviors. I did drink last night because I was in a good mood and due to lack of finances, I couldn’t get plastered even if I had wanted to. I got to see JUDGE and Cock Sparrer at a venue down the street and had a blast, solo and everything. I am mildly hung over thanks to a sneaky tequila shot at the end of my night, but the fact that I can remember getting home and I didn’t overdo it is pretty comforting.
I think that if I do drink, I’ll just choose one day a week to do so and hopefully that decision will not backfire. I’ll most likely be drinking after work on Valentine’s Day because duh, single and lonely, but also one of my best friends will be in town and we are both going through break ups and I think that calls for a night out. Should be fun.
Now that I’ve gotten the party out of my system for the weekend, it’s time to do laundry, attempt to find more work at new venues and map out some other goals. Now that I’m not concerned with being a stick figure, I’m pretty focused on gaining muscle. I’m hoping once income becomes more steady, I’d like to get back into kickboxing, something I haven’t done since I lived in Houston. It was a great outlet for my negative emotions and obviously a killer workout. As a female who now walks alone most every night, self-defense is also something I wouldn’t mind strengthening. I have a knife but I would most likely tell my attacker to give me a second as I try and figure out how to open it. Ugh.
I’ve been bonding with my roommates more and it’s really nice. One of them is studying clinical psychology and I’ve opened up to her a lot about the things I’ve discussed on this blog and her reception is on point (but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, given her major). Not just her but everyone else has been really open and I feel very comfortable. I honestly didn’t expect it to be like this, but I’m okay with being pleasantly surprised. It also makes staying in a lot easier.
I really hope I can last in New York. I’m really beginning to like where I am and still learning a lot about myself. I’ve met some really interesting people and I am not ready to move away from everything just yet. I should probably just finish school and get it over with, but I’m tired of putting myself in situations that I can’t enjoy; I had so much anxiety last semester and would get panic attacks at school. I had a group of people make fun of me and my tattoos for fucks sake. While I shouldn’t care, I can’t help it; it was like reliving high school all over again. I feel like everyone looks at me weird and they’re all younger and know more than I do and I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to others but it is SO hard not to do.
I could say this on the job/career thing as well. Most everyone at my primary workplace is younger than me and holds a higher position. My ex and my other manager and maybe two or three other people are older than I am, and not by much. New York is so competitive that I feel like my age and lack of experience can’t go far. I’m still trying to find ways to prove myself and everyone else wrong.
But until that moment comes…time to do more adulting and do laundry…then eat cookies in bed and watch some cartoons; because I’m an adult.