random thinking

It’s been over 24 hours without any behaviors and today I felt really confident, but, as always, something has to dissolve my good spirit.

I was hoping that the SXSW gig was going to be more promising, but the pay rate just isn’t worth me purchasing an expensive plane ticket, driving from Houston to Austin then driving around Austin for two weeks with no time nor energy to see anyone. I understand I should be networking, but after recent serious conversations, I don’t know if I’m ready to make this decision sooner than when my lease is up. I am going to politely decline and maybe in the future work with them, but I don’t think I’m ready right now.

I’m really tired of attempting to network here, just to have any progress of moving forward come to a halt because I’m not romantically or physically interested in said people I’m networking with. I really want to learn something and you have the skills/connections to further me. I’m willing to do any work that doesn’t involve our bodies merging together, isn’t that enough? I just wish me being a good person who is eager, capable of learning and working hard would be enough, but it isn’t. Maybe not in New York, anyway. I really don’t mind working for free as long as I’m gaining something towards my career goal, but I really don’t want to sleep with anyone for it.

Other things: of course the only few days I was scheduled to work this week have been canceled for one reason or another.

I’m working all week next week for Dita Von Teese, but begrudgingly with a psychotic rebound and a crew who adored me and “Gregory”, which means Gregory will probably show up at some point. Not to mention the tour starts on Valentine’s Day, and wouldn’t it be just dandy if everyone were there to make me feel like a huge fucking pile of dirt? I don’t really care about Valentine’s Day (we never celebrated it or anything when we were together) but this year, I think it just hits a little hard. I’m lonely but I don’t want anyone, but I also don’t want to see my ex with anyone and I definitely don’t want to deal with a psycho who was insanely possessive, unstable and a stalker.

Why is that? When I’m trying to look on the bright side of things, all the negative starts seeping its way in? Is that what life is? To just see how well you can handle the seeping; how much you can tell yourself it’ll get better?

Detoxing is clearly fucking with my emotions, but what doesn’t? I feel so hypersensitive. I just caught up on This is Us and I cry EVERY TIME. I know it isn’t real. I know that there’s no one who will be like and ever love someone else the way Jack does, which is why I have decided to just adopt more cats and never date again. #OnceYouGoJackYouNeverGoBack

There is slightly better news: The two roommates who are allergic to cats have decided to move to a new spot when the lease is up (which one of my roomies does plan on staying and resigning and I think I am, too) so that means I CAN BRING KILGRAVE HEEEERE! And still pay dirt cheap (for Brooklyn anyway). And we are getting a dog, so Kilgrave can have a friend. So yeah, pretty much, no matter where I go (or stay), Kilgrave will definitely be with me. My heart aches and is excited just thinking about it.

It was 60 degrees today so I went to the grocery store in shorts and felt fabulous. Unfortunately, I dealt with all the negative news post store trip and am trying hard not to eat my feelings/delve into a relapse, so I think I’m going to go out one last time before the major snow storm hits us hard tomorrow.

If there’s a blizzard that is enough to keep me away from doing absolutely anything outside of the apartment, I found all of my drawing/inking utensils yesterday cleaning out some boxes so I’m hopefully going to come up with some neat, ghouly doodles. I kinda wanna make some pins or just a design to possibly print. I remember dreaming of having a lame little gallery in some douchey coffee shop or in Chelsea or anywhere, really….maybe it’ll happen, I just need to get motivated. It’s so hard with drawing since my motivation was derailed at such a young age. I felt like I had so much potential and now I can barely remember how to use charcoal properly, among other mediums of illustration.

I miss my friends. I miss having money. I miss being under 120 lbs. I miss being convinced that someone actually loved every part of me.

 

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