Well, I tried to see if I was capable of still going out and drinking without allowing my negative behaviors to return, but it appears that I am not ready to do that. Although I have had some great evenings recently and met some amazing people during these outings, it has thrown off an eating lifestyle that I found myself comfortable with as well as exhausted me of money and physical well being. I relapsed again yesterday, ridden with anxiety about how I felt like crap, spent too much money and how alone I felt in life.
I have been very anxious regarding a decision about my future (career-wise). I have recently been offered to go to Austin to work SXSW, and potentially have a permanent position down there at a venue (and eventually spread out to other venues, etc). I lived in Austin before moving to Brooklyn and I have some of my best friends living there now. It’s cheaper, I could definitely afford an apartment of my own (which costs about as much as my room in a place that houses six fucking people), I could have my cat back and I wouldn’t freeze my face off for 6 months out of the year. It’s a familiar area, I know I have a great support system and because my treatment center is there, I have professional contacts to help me with my disorder.
I have been single for three months for the first time in about five years and I get to be that in NEW YORK FUCKING CITY. I can finally explore at my own leisure, do things I want when I want, etc. Despite now working with my ex (and he being promoted/now my boss), I love my job and the other employees I work with. I pay way cheaper rent to live in a wonderful neighborhood that I enjoy going out in, and I am impatiently waiting for spring/summer to arrive to experience more of it. It’s hard to be bored in New York; there’s always a show happening that I want to see, or events, or important protests that I am able to be a part of. I don’t have to drive which is nice; I can read a book or listen to music without paying attention to the road or others on the road to get to where I need to be. I felt so alone when I was in my relationship, most likely because I was afraid to reach out and scared I would be rejected, so I relied on my boyfriend to be my best friend. It wasn’t until the breakup that I realized I had so much support from those I didn’t realize cared so much. I finally feel like I have a support system here as well.
It’s an extremely tough decision to make, and it feels very sudden. SXSW is in mid-March, and my lease (with the option to renew) is over at the end of May. If I decide to go to Austin, it wouldn’t be until then. I just feel like maybe I need to give New York a bit longer, but I also don’t feel challenged here. I find networking up here a bit difficult because I’m trying to get into music supervision but most people I circuit with just know about running shows, playing shows, etc. I don’t have many film connections at all, but it is probably my fault that I wasted five years of being here staying holed up, shy and anxious and scared about reaching out to anyone.
I’m unsure about what direction I’m going to go in with either of these decisions; I don’t want to work at a music venue for the rest of my life. I want to work with a label or freelance and be a music supervisor, but I have no experience with music business and haven’t had luck landing any internships here. Austin’s even smaller, so I’m not sure how well that would pan out for me. I could transfer to UT and finish school there, but it would be another two years or so until I get my bachelor’s. I know age is nothing but a number when it comes to obtaining a degree, but I feel at this point I want to cut through the bullshit and get hands on experience.
I definitely have gotten too comfortable not driving– haven’t driven in five years. I’m really nervous about it, and plan on flying in a few days early to practice with my dad’s car. He has a stupid nice car though, which is lame, because I would prefer to practice on a car I won’t feel guilty about possibly fucking up. Ha.
I’m hoping this week can help guide me as there will not be any added anxiety by the unnecessary consumption of alcohol and unwanted negative energy post drinking.
Most of my life, I’ve always made decisions based on how it would effect others, so this is really hard for me to do. I don’t know what’s supposed to be best for me. Does it depend on the support system? The financial security? The space? The unknown?
I have always had a fantastic support system in Austin, but I’m gaining an equally great one here. I would definitely be more financially secure in Austin and not living paycheck to paycheck. I might feel more like an adult in that sense. I’m almost 30 and I have no savings whatsoever. Living in New York has been really rough on myself and my wallet, and I get angry and down on myself for spending money on dumb shit like booze or taxis and shit that I don’t NEED because it hurts that much to spend anything outside of bills or transit.
As lucky as I got to live in a space with five people that are all somehow really cool, I’m tired of not having my own space. I hate sharing a kitchen, as I’ve grown accustom to making my own food on my own time, meal planning, etc. There’s hardly any space in the fridge for someone like me who wants meals prepped, at least with this many people occupying a household. I hate having to be quiet when I get home, or because I don’t sleep much, I get up early and want to play music when I get ready. It’s impossible, at least in my position, for me to afford a place of my own here. I could definitely afford one in Austin and have my fucking furbaby back. The perks of having roommates is, in those moments of feeling alone, I don’t feel as alone. Also, I don’t necessarily want to indulge in my eating disorder if there are other people in the household.
As for the unknown….I know Austin. I’ve lived it. It’s small. There’s a lot of cool shit happening there, but it’s got nothing on New York. I’ve seen so many bands on my bucket list up here that it’s kind of insane. I can get just about anything delivered, and the vegan food scene is amazing (My digestive system over the past couple of years has not agreed with dairy and I don’t eat meat). It’s so hard running into the same people at random and I’m constantly having the most interesting conversations with people from all around the world. I’m not saying these things do not exist in Austin, but it definitely didn’t feel like it happened as often. I’m sometimes afraid if I return to Austin, I may possibly miss out on meeting the right people for what I want to do career-wise.
Again, I wish I knew what to do. I suppose I will see how it goes working with the crew in SXSW. I just feel like I’d be returning with my tail between my legs if I give up on New York so soon. If anyone has any advice on how to make important decisions like this, feel free to comment. Until then, let the detox begin.